Find a Way
by Jyo-Chan
Summary: No matter what you say, I’m never going to let you go. Axel x Roxas


No matter what you say, I'm never going to let you go. Axel x Roxas

To Blue - For picking me up whenever I feel down, this is for you.

* * *

Death, whether we like it or not, is a part of everyday life; it's a part of everybody's life. Most people prefer not to think about it while some wish to remain blissfully unaware of it, but regardless of what people think or want, it's still there; it's still in each and every one of us, like a ticking time-bomb waiting to go off and explode.

Everybody has a different opinion on death. Some see it as a beginning of an end while some view it as a state of mind, others fear it. Most people would think of the Reaper, with his bloody scythe and shrouded in never-ending darkness. Some would think of the light at the end of the tunnel, a flash of their life before their very eyes in their time of death. Nobody knows for sure; Death is good at keeping its secrets.

Almost everybody knows of heaven and hell. Those who have sinned and not seek for repentance will burn in the fires of hell while those who follow in the way of God will find everlasting peace behind the pearly gates. For those who don't believe in either heaven or hell consider limbo to be a more valid theory than others. Limbo; the world between, seem to hold more truths than notions of a higher (or lower) being.

Why, you ask?

People often speak of haunted houses and supernatural occurrences that take place in the hours of darkness. The things that go 'bump' in the night and those shadows people always see in the corner of their eyes even though there's nothing there. They tell tales of things that break but remain untouched, of shivers that run up and down their spine and the feeling of being held down by nothing but air. Stories of ghosts; people who have died and have yet to move on, people stuck in the realm of limbo; the world between.

That's what they say.

"Well, I say that's a load of crap."

Axel scoffed at the blond as he shifted to a more comfortable position, "Says you."

He waved the comment aside, "Whatever."

"What do _you_ think of death, then?" He asked as he folded his arms and waited for an answer.

"Death is…" Roxas began slowly, unsure of what words to use or even how to describe it. Eventually, he shrugged and tried to focus on the only color in a sea of white, "Just that."

The red head scoffed again, "Come on, you gotta have a better explanation than that." He smirked and wondered if this would be the first time that Roxas didn't actually have an answer for everything.

Not quite liking the look or the tone that the red head was giving him, he answered the challenge with another challenge, "What do _you_ think of death, then?" He retorted.

Like a flip of a coin, Axel's facials turned into a blank slate, and for a moment, Roxas thought he might've hit a soft nerve. After all, they weren't exactly in the right place to discuss such a sensitive topic. Quickly, he tried to change the subject, "The nurses confiscated the ice cream, by the way."

"What?!" He exclaimed; his features immediately full of life, "What did the ice creams ever do to them?"

The blond tried not to smile at the sudden change in mood; it was so typical of the red head now, "Something about it being too overloaded with sugar and unhealthy junk or something," he tried to explain with a flippant wave of the hand, as if it could clarify the nurses' well-meant actions.

Axel stuck his tongue out in disgust, "Damn nurses, taking one of the few pleasures away from me."

Roxas let out a soft sigh, almost fondly, as he gave a gentle shake of the head. Axel was just so…

There were no words for him.

To be unable to find any words to describe any person would usually, probably, be a bad thing, but not to Roxas. To write somebody's life down in ink or stone would be too much like saying, 'He was here.' Roxas didn't want to think about it like that.

"Hey."

Blue eyes looked up into green and, for a moment, Roxas lost himself in them. They were so unique; so captivating, it was such a pity--

"I'm not dying, you know that, right?"

Roxas bristled at those words and tried to force the words out of his mind; he didn't want to think about it. "Why are you bringing that up?" He asked, his tone a bit more harsh than he intended.

"Stop looking at me like you won't see me again," he spoke in a firm voice, yet there were undertones of pleading in it. Roxas didn't want to hear such a tone escape the red head's lips, especially in an environment like this, it made him feel so useless and hopeless. "I'm stronger than that, believe me."

Roxas shook his head, though whether he meant it for what Axel said or for his own thoughts, it was uncertain. He quickly changed the subject and got up before the conversation could go any further; the atmosphere wasn't right, "I should go."

Axel grabbed the blonds' hand before he got too far away from him, "Hold on, Roxas, what's the rush?"

Actually, Roxas had no where to go; no plans were made, but this entire place was draining him and it was probably doing worse to the red head who didn't seem to be suffering outwardly but Roxas knew better. He didn't want to go, but he couldn't stay; he didn't want to stay if death was all they were going to talk about.

"You can stay one more hour, right? Can you stay one more hour?"

The tone was pleading, and the hold on his arm grew firm and almost desperate. Roxas didn't want to stay, but now he couldn't go anymore, not when Axel was like this.

"I'll let you have your way with me if it means you'll stay."

Roxas turned to the red head with nothing but disbelief all over his face, "What are you trying to say?"

Axel processed what he said and felt his lip quirk up in a smile of sorts, "You're taking it the wrong way," he couldn't help the smirk on his face.

And just like that, the mood changed again and Roxas almost couldn't fight back the jittery feeling in his stomach or the laugh that was bubbling its way up from his throat. Axel was just so…

There really were no words for him.

* * *

Life, whether we think we have it or not, is something that most people definitely take for granted. Most people live as though there will always be a tomorrow for them. But the harsh reality is that life is an extremely fickle thing and you never know when it could end. Maybe it could be snuffed out in the next second, or the next minute; in a few days, weeks or even months, perhaps even years. Regardless of that, people still don't seem to care and still continue on believing there will always be a tomorrow. But they don't know the truth.

Axel knew better now; he lived like he was dying; he didn't want to take a single second or a single day for granted. It was now or never; live or die trying; that was his new motto.

"It's just a check-up; better safe than sorry, right?" But he had an arsenal of many other mottos as well.

Roxas frowned, "It's just a migraine; it'll go away eventually."

"Yeah, that's what they all say," he rolled his eyes at the stubborn blond, "Look, this doc is like, the best of the best, just go in and see him. Besides, you've had that migraine for a week and the painkillers you have totally suck."

Roxas' frown deepened but felt too tired and annoyed to really argue with the red head, so he gave in with a long, low sigh, "Whatever, I'll see you at home, then."

Axel grabbed his arm before he walked too far from him, "Hold on, what makes you think I'll just ditch you? I'll be here when it's all done, you know." He said with a soft smile.

The blond took in the expression, but he felt too frustrated with himself and the whole world to return it, "I figured you'd want to do something other than wait."

He let out a soft chuckle, as though Roxas just said something incredibly silly, "What makes you think I'll mind?"

Roxas allowed a small smile of sorts to adorn his lips, but it was barely noticeable. There really no words to describe the red head. "Whatever then, wait all you want."

"I'll be waiting, then."

Roxas almost found it ironic how they were in opposite situations now. But he took comfort in the fact that nothing would further plague their health apart from the random cold, or flu or the unwanted headaches.

He wondered if, for once, life would just give them this small mercy.

* * *

Sickness, whether we constantly suffer it throughout our entire lives or not, is something that eventually affects everyone at one stage or another. It's never a pleasant thing to go through but it has its fair share of ups and downs. One positive could be to use it as an excuse to skip school, but the eventual negative side would be that there would be a good amount of work to catch up to.

Everything in life comes with its pros and cons. People who are pessimistic in nature see only the bad side of life while those who are more optimistic see a brighter side. It differs from one person to another but life is always the same; it just depends on how you want to see it.

At this current moment; Axel wished life would be a little bit more fair.

As he lay on his roof and stared unseeingly at the starry night sky, he wondered if he was cursed or just plain unlucky. He figured it had nothing to do with either, but he'd feel better if he had something, or someone, to blame.

"But that's never the case, is it?"

Axel shook his head almost ruefully, "No, that's just the way life goes."

Roxas tried to think of something else to say; another subject to talk about, but he couldn't find anything that had no relation to what was happening to the both of them and to everyone around them. It was getting hard to find other things to talk about that didn't revolve around sickness and death and the overall unfairness of it all.

In the end, he just sighed, "How is your family taking it?" He asked almost cautiously, just for the sake of talking because the silence was so heavy and suffocating despite the cool air that surrounded the both of them.

"Dad's reading, mum's cleaning, Olette's doing homework and everybody's trying not to think about it."

"Oh…"

Axel sighed, not at Roxas' lack of response, more at the situation than anything else, "It's not as bad as the first time. At least nobody's shouting and throwing things around the house."

"I guess." It never ceased to amaze Roxas how Axel could always find something positive despite all the negatives.

"Nobody's really talking, but I guess that's better than everybody shouting their head's off. No complaining neighbors this time too." He let out a little chuckle at the mention of his neighbor.

He laughed a little at that; Axel used to go on and on about the neighbor and his damn karaoke machine, "I suppose."

Speaking of which, there he goes singing something from Frank Sinatra again. But the volume wasn't loud enough to block out the yelling and screaming coming from his parents now.

Axel sighed again, shakily this time, and the small smile that Roxas had on his lips died away. "This sucks." The red head said, for lack of anything better to say.

'This sucks' doesn't exactly come up to par with everything that was going on but neither could be bothered to think of anything else to describe the situation.

Something crashed in the background and Axel closed his eyes at the noise; tried to distract himself from what was happening inside the house. "Do you believe in a past life?" He asked and wondered if Olette was doing ok, "I must've done something shitty in my past life to deserve this."

"That's a different religion."

"Doesn't matter; do you believe in it anyway?"

"No," he had heard of stories about reincarnation; about coming back as a different person in a different life once your time has come. There were parts of the story that seemed nice and hopeful, but Roxas remained skeptical of it. There was little to no proof of such a thing.

"Yeah, it's stupid anyway." Axel couldn't help but sound disappointed at that though. He had been looking for something or someone to blame again. He didn't care even if it was himself that he was putting the blame on. "I just wish--" his voice shook too much for him to continue. Roxas didn't have to look to know that there's a different kind of rain falling down the red head's cheeks.

Roxas turned away, settled on his side despite the discomfort he felt when the roof tiles dug into his bones. He didn't want this, he didn't want to stay but he couldn't force himself to leave; not when Axel was like this. He just couldn't.

He had no words to say.

"Don't."

A shadow creeped over Roxas and he could see, from the corner of his eyes, a hovering figure that was having difficulty holding himself together.

"Please, don't. I don't know what else to do if you--" he choked on his words, finding it more and more difficult to piece everything together even though everything was falling apart at the seams around him. Axel shook his head and tried again, "I'll make it through this, I will."

It sounded as though Axel was trying to convince himself more than Roxas, and the sight broke him. A small tear fell from his lashes as he softly nudged his forehead against the red head's, "I know you'll make it through this."

He let out a shuddering breath and whispered desperately, "We can't be wrong tonight."

Their breaths mingled, their tears mixed and the colors between them melded into one. Just for a moment, even though everything seemed to be falling apart and crumbling to pieces, they shared a moment where nothing else mattered but the two of them.

But he knew, better than most, that not everything always goes exactly as they wish it to be. If only life would show them some mercy.

* * *

Health, whether we feel it or not, is something that everybody strives to keep in their lives, even though it varies from person to person. After a bout of sickness, there's a feeling of livelihood and vigor that seems to fill the surrounding atmosphere as though it can't be caged in. Health is something that is shared; like a sickness that spreads but in a more positive light. It is dynamic and spirited and even when there's a lack of energy, there's little to no chance to prevent it from being so full of life and activity. It fills the entire room; the entire world with positive energy and vivacity, or maybe that's just something Axel is good at.

"I like the hair."

Axel snorted at that, a little embarrassedly, as he pulled his beanie further down over his head, "Why do I feel so differently, then?"

Roxas rolled his eyes, "Stop being a drama queen, it'll grow back."

He groaned dramatically and looked as if he was trying to hide himself in his over-stretched beanie, "There goes my persona of coolness, out the window, just like that." He snapped his fingers just to emphasize it.

Roxas frowned as he reached over and pulled off the beanie with more effort than he wanted to. It wasn't out of reach from the red head, because Axel was a damn tall bastard, but he didn't seem to be fighting too much to get it back. "The hair doesn't make the person; you do."

Axel sighed as he settled back down onto his bed and scratched his buzz-cut in a sheepish manner, "I know, but it feels like a part of me is missing now."

"That's the part we don't want, and I don't mean the hair."

There was once a time when the both of them would think that, even though they preferred personality over anything else, looks took precedence over individuality. They knew better now, but that still didn't stop them from thinking about outward appearance for too long.

"Nothing good comes from hiding," Roxas continued as he brought the beanie to his lap and fiddled with the hem of it with anxious fingers, "You, of all people, should know that."

Axel couldn't help but smile as he reached for beanie and pulled it from loose fingers.

Roxas shook his head; he was losing the argument, even if it was just one-sided, "Axel, I don't care what clothes you wear, how you style your hair, or lack of it," he added and couldn't help the smirk on his lips when the red head huffed indignantly, "All that matters is you; everything else can take a back seat; I don't care."

Abruptly, something was forced down onto the blonds' head and it took a matter of seconds for him to realize it was the beanie. When he looked at Axel again, he was beaming; his energy renewed.

"You always know what to say to me," he said fondly as he reached for the blond and pulled him closer.

"One of us has to be the smart one," he closed his eyes and focused on the warmth that held him close.

Axel laughed softly as he gently bumped heads with Roxas and tried to ignore the tears that seem to fall on its own accord, "What am I going to do without you?" He asked softly, not expecting an answer.

"You'd be crying a river."

He laughed again, louder this time, shakier, because even if Roxas couldn't see him, he was crying anyway, but in a different light; like a silver lining of a grey cloud.

"You'll pull me through even if I can't."

* * *

Cancer, whether we want to think about it or not, is something that is in each and every one of us; it's something that will eventually affect us, one way or another. Most people have been tainted by its foul touch, whether directly or not, while very few people would be able to live their life without coming into any contact with it, indirectly or otherwise. It's a negative topic and very few good things ever come of it. There are those rare times when someone is able to make a comeback from it after fighting it with all they have and with all the support they've been given, but most of the time, sickness takes its toll and Death comes marching in with its bloody scythe and dark shroud.

For a place that seemed so pure, why did it seem so tainted? For a place that's so sanitized, why was there disease everywhere? For a place that brought in so much life, why did death have to be here too?

"I hate this place."

"Hate's a pretty strong word."

He scoffed as he crossed his arms over his chest, "Fine, then I very much dislike it with my entire being."

Roxas couldn't help it; he smiled, because Axel was being stubborn and childish, but he was certain that, if their situations were switched, he'd feel the exact same way.

Axel kept his gaze completely focused on the clock that hung on the far wall. It was a silly attempt at trying to make time stop, or at least slow down, but real life didn't exactly work like that so his efforts were wasted.

"Stop thinking about it." Unlike Axel, Roxas didn't want to look at the clock, because every tick it made brought the countdown closer, and he didn't want that. In a way, he was being stubborn about it too. What he said, it wasn't exactly a suggestion, but it wasn't an outright demand either; Axel could go and do whatever the hell he wanted.

"No," he shook his head repeatedly, "If I stop thinking about it then time would go by faster and I seriously don't want that." There he was being childish again.

"Whether you're thinking about it or not, you're wasting time anyway; it's still going to keep going at the exact same pace as it always has." Roxas sighed, "At least do something better than just stare at the clock."

"What am I supposed to do?"

"Talk to me."

For the first time in that entire day, Axel finally took the time to really look at Roxas. When he did, he finally realized how selfish he had been. He had only been thinking about himself and not about the people who stood by his side and are trying to support him. A pang of guilt echoed through his chest and he couldn't help the expression he had on his face.

"I'm sorry," he never realized how useless he actually was. He was all talk, no action; pathetic.

"That's not what I want to hear."

Axel shifted in his bed; his whole attention devoted to nothing but Roxas; the boy who stayed by his side from the very beginning and perhaps, to the very end.

"What do you want me to say?"

Roxas frowned, "I'm not going to tell you what to say, or what to do; figure it out on your own."

A part of Axel grew angry at that, but there was another part, the more sensible part, that knew Roxas was right and he really ought to figure things out for himself. But even that wasn't enough, because no matter how much Axel looked at Roxas, he wouldn't be able to read his mind and say the right things, no matter how hard he tried and wished.

Eventually, Roxas grew tired of the silence; of the waiting, "I'm going home."

Axel grabbed hold of the blond before he got too far for him to reach, "I'm scared."

He barely heard it; it was almost a whisper, but the tone reached his ears and it made him shake in anxiety. Roxas had always thought of Axel as the strong, dependable type of guy, not this; frightened and frail, it wasn't right; it didn't fit.

"What?"

The red head tightened his grip on the blond, as though he was afraid he would lose him forever. His voice shook and still barely there when he opened his lips to speak, "I'm scared. I wish I was somewhere else far away from here but I'm not and I hate it and I'm scared."

Roxas slowly fell back down into his seat as he stared into terrified green eyes with disbelief in his own. "Axel, you--"

He tightened his grip further, as though Roxas was his only lifeline in this forsaken place, he didn't want to let go. "Please, don't leave."

Over the years, Roxas has seen many expressions come from the red head, but this was the first time he had ever seen something so distressing from Axel, and it scared him to actually realize that he's human too; everybody is.

His voice caught in his throat and he found it hard to find the right words to say and figure out the right thing to do. He didn't want to stay, but he couldn't leave, and he didn't want to go. It was such a horrible mix of emotions and for a brief moment, he wondered if Axel was feeling this way too.

"Please--"

"I'll stay."

Axel's lips were shaking, and a flurry of emotions came in wave after wave behind those wide, green eyes. It took a moment for Roxas to realize that the hand holding his arm was shaking too; he was breaking; this was his breaking point.

"I'll stay," Roxas said again, more for himself than for Axel, but it was the words that the red head desperately needed to hear.

He broke.

The hands that clung onto the blond were desperate, the cries that echoed in the white, white room were filled with despair and the warm body that held onto him was shaking. Everything was breaking down in pieces.

It wasn't until later, when Axel was gone, that Roxas realized that he had been clinging on desperately, crying with despair in his voice and shaking as well.

Never in his life had he felt so wretched, even as he sat in a pure white room.

* * *

There are a lot of things in life that everybody wishes they can change, but things never work out that way, whether we like it or not. The only thing anybody could ever do is just live as best as they can, through all the positives and all the negatives, especially the negatives. Everybody has something they all want to change in their life but to dwell on the past would mean missing out on the present and the future.

Roxas was determined to keep his eyes looking toward the path ahead of him all the while focusing on every step that he took one after another. He didn't want to dwell on things that have past because nothing good would come out of it; it would only stall time, even if it continues to go at the exact same pace as it always has.

Even with that thought, he sometimes couldn't help but wonder how things could've been if everything had been different. Not that it mattered, right?

"Hold up!"

The blond barely had the chance to turn when a flash of red appeared in front of him. The sight of Axel caught him off guard and he couldn't help but ask, "What are you doing?"

He remained doubled over, panting and looking incredibly short of breath, "I was running."

Roxas raised an eyebrow at the obvious answer, "Where were you running to?"

"Silly," he laughed softly, "There's only one person I would be running to."

He felt his cheeks warm at the answer; he hadn't quite been expecting something like that; though he really should've, considering how long he's known Axel for, "That's…horribly cheesy of you."

Axel laughed again as he straightened himself out and brushed out the invisible dirt stains on his jeans, "I'm not lying."

He side-stepped the red head and started walking away, more to hide his face than to get to his intended destination. "I know that; you're horrible at lying."

He balked, "Awh, come on, I'm not that bad." he tried to protest as he walked after the blond.

"Remember the other day when you tried to--"

The red head cringed as he fell into step with the blond, "I thought we agreed never to speak of it again."

Roxas couldn't help the smile that suddenly appeared on his face, "You were the one that brought it up."

Axel sighed and gave up, opting for a different subject to talk about, "Are you coming to my place later?"

"Unlike you, I actually have college courses to study for."

Roxas was surprised when his ears didn't fall victim to an insistent whining from the red head, but it took him almost ten steps for him to realize that Axel wasn't following him anymore.

He turned to retort about the red head dragging him behind but felt his voice catch in his throat instead as his eyes fell on a somber figure that stood in the middle of the footpath that seemed wide enough to swallow him whole.

Why did the mood change so suddenly?

"Axel, I--"

"I'll let you have your way with me if it means you'll stay."

Whatever Roxas wanted to say died on his tongue as he stared at the red head with nothing but disbelief all over his face, "What are you trying to say?!"

Axel couldn't help but burst out in laughter. And just like that, the mood switched again. Roxas couldn't stop the way his body shook as he laughed along with the red head. Axel was just so…

He was just so indescribable.

* * *

'Find a way' by Safetysuit.


End file.
